It's Not You, It's Them: The Company You Keep

“Don’t get sidetracked by people who are not on track” 

Have you ever heard this before? I know I have, but for the longest time I did not quite know what it meant or how it applied to my life. 

You are the company you keep.

I used to have “always everybody's best friend” syndrome; if I've had friends for a long period of time or if somebody has really helped me I felt like I owed it to them to remain friends with them. Recently, I had to step back and reevaluate a lot of relationships. Some relationships were easy to cut ties with or to decipher where things stood, but some were more complicated. How do you decide when a friendship is toxic to you, and define what a toxic friendship or relationship is?

A toxic friendship or relationship, as I mentioned in a previous blog article, is when your relationship does nothing to inspire you, motivate you, encourage you, or push you to be better. This sounds awfully one-sided, so let me give you a scenario similar to one that a friend of mine was recently in. 

The Common Situation:

Names have all been changed for sensitivity purposes.

My friend, Emma, was close friends with Jackie for six years. However, as the years progressed, Emma realized that their friendship was becoming less constructive due to extreme differences in morality, goals, and values. Jackie has been known to encourage Emma to do things that are not in Emma’s best interest. It was not Jackie's explicit intent to negatively influence Emma, she was just advising Emma based on her own personal values or lack thereof. When Emma do talk and hang out, they have nothing to talk about outside of gossiping about others.

Verdict:

This relationship is toxic.

Relationships are hard to let go of, regardless of the amount of time invested. That is because a relationship is exactly that- an investment. Nobody invests into something that they want to let go. Time is the most important thing a person can possess because you can never directly control how much time you have. The only variable you have explicit control over is how you allot your time. 

Your time is valuable.

Your time is valuable. How you invest your time defines the level of respect you have for yourself. 

You wouldn't invest your time into a harmful romantic relationship, why are other relationships any different? Do you respect yourself enough to only invest your time into things that encourage you to become the person you want to be? 

It’s not you, it’s them.

How to Evaluate Your Relationships:

Take a moment to evaluate every relationship you invest your time into. Ask yourself these questions.

Does this person’s morals/values/goals/attitude reflect mine or those that I agree with?
Does this person help me become the person I want to be?
When I spend time with this person, what do we talk about and do?
Why do I value our friendship? Why am I still friends with this person?
How does this person view our relationship?
What is this person’s focus in life? Is this something I can learn from or something that will negatively influence me?
Do I walk away from hanging out with him/her and think “that was time well spent”?
If I went a month without talking to this person, would things still be the same when we caught up?
Do we discuss things and ideas, or do we mainly discuss people?
What attracted me to this person in the first place?
If I had to introduce this person to all of my family/other friends/colleagues/etc, would I be proud to call this person one of my close friends?
Do I tolerate this person, or do I genuinely enjoy this person?

Some of these questions are yes/no questions, but most of them require a lot of deeper thinking and deciphering. There are no clear answers. The only clear answer is this: Respect your time. Respect yourself enough to invest yourself into those who respect themselves and their time equally as much as you respect yours.

I evaluate my friendships and relationships at least once a year. In doing this, yes- I've had to let go of some of my oldest relationships. It's been hard. It's been different. It's caused me to change a lot of aspects of my life. But in doing this, I know I’m de-cluttering my life so that I can invest into relationships that are truly worthwhile with people who inspire me. It's a change worth making.

Often times, the hardest choice is the correct choice.

Ciao,
M